Mumbering Number

... or self-reflection during the quest of finding me!

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One day, I woke up with the most asked, yet least answered, question yet in this life: Who I am?

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Chapter 1: Am I x?

As if finding myself as easy as finding x. How could we find number x anyway?

When I was young, living as an x is so easy. I once thought x can be any thing, an integer, a fraction, Mysterious x is free to transform into whichever number she wants to become, either positive or negative, or even zero, I like number 15 a lot. But I also like number 9. I believed I could be both numbers at the same time. And when I got bored or tired of these specific numbers, I could always go back to be x, just simply x. That's who I am.

Somehow, I grow older and "wiser". I learned about functions, equations, and other life rules in which lived the little x. Now x was no longer a standalone number. It must followed conditions, premises and a list of "common senses". It was suffocating trying to fit in lines with y and with z, with n and with numbers. 

Life rules are super unfair when you are a denominator, you have to be under another number in a fraction, and you cannot be zero. And imagine you have to live under a square roof, you have to be positive, or at least neutral as an zero, or you are doomed. I was trying to be negative while staying under the square root and ended with an "i" tag. Then people called me an imaginary number, a delusional unreal who are not allowed to be on the number line.

So in order to be included, struggling x squeezed herself so much, until she can only be a specific number. With conditions telling x what she couldn't be, with equations telling x who she must became, x now a tiny point on the number line, just a number, not a variable anymore. Eventually, x forgot about being x, ending her life being just another number.

I don't want to get stuck in any equations just because I can fit in so well. I cannot be an x, or live that sad life of an x. I believed I have the ability and possibility to be more than that, more than just x.

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Chapter 2: Can I be a constant?

Many people want fame and fortune in this life, and also be greedy for a status. I am not really desperate for those, but do admire people who have everything in their hands. I have high respect for Pi (π), e and other constant numbers for their uniqueness and power of knowing who they are their whole life.

They are irrational and transcendental, yet functions and equations have to follow them all around. The digits of Pi and e never end, nor has anyone detected an orderly pattern in their arrangement. They are the greatest of them all.

I have always want to become a constant, neither for fame nor fortune. All I want is to define myself, my true self, cause I know how beautiful it is inside this soul and mind. I also long to devote myself to the world, let people use my ability to solve problems and answer questions. Think of a whole new theory, rethink an old belief, would my value be enough to change the world?

How can some numbers become constants? Is there any training or path I could take to be that great? Or should I pray for luck that someone would incidentally find me among tons of other x between functions and equations? Maybe it's destiny! Just like daily, I saw the numbers of my birthday too much I must believe those are my destined numbers.

I cannot calculate the exact probability of me becoming a successful constant. Rather then wasting my time trying to act my way into a constant, I work hard to increase my value, becoming a more and more useful solution for more and more problems. My constant proportion, hence, is getting bigger day by day. I just need to have faith in myself and keep moving on.

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Chapter 3: What makes me?

While going on the quest of defining myself, I try to collect and reserve all my factors. 

The basic one, number 1, is obviously the family and closed friends who are families to you. All numbers have number 1 to rely on when other factors suddenly leave them. You can have a 100 for outstanding work results, 4 for perfect GPA, millions for net salary, but you only have 1 family. Just 1 is enough cause they give you unlimited support on whatever you do and wherever you are. I'm grateful for having a wonderful number 1 as my basic factor.

But then, what else? I don't want to count knowledges or experiences here, since I earn them, they are not making me. I hate all the stereotypes that people try to frame me within. Sure these external life factors are parts of my life, but to represent myself, I need something more from the inside, not some artificial achievements.

Maybe I'm that one of a kind prime numbers who can only be divided by 1 and themselves. If so, I must be a very lonely large prime number who cannot find a consecutive one to share compassion with. If you have read the Solitude of Prime Numbers, you will know what I means. I could be number 3557, and I'm looking number 3559 to tell me what makes me.

I could be made of an imaginary number with an "i" tag, doing odd things that scare people away. I could be made of fractions or decimal numbers, incomplete and complicated. I could be made by factorials, combining all I have done in years I have lived. Could I choose some factors through permutations to perfectionize myself, or should I accept everything as it is?

Whatever I did, I did not regret. Whatever I am doing, I don't regret. And what ever I will do, I won't regret. So whatever makes me, I am it. 

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My answer for now is I am just me, just myself. Future is unpredictable, so I am undefined, and my life is unwritten. I have gone a long way, but still far from the end. I just believe I have enough strength in my body and my mind to carry on with my life until I can find me.

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In memory of the day I was born into this life!